What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 02:24
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It seems that I am cursed with bad luck. How do I break such a curse?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do women wear less clothes compared to men?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So whats the point in blame.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What is a good comeback for when someone calls you flat?
But it wasn’t much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Would this be the day?
She found it foreign!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why did i forgive my father ?
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He knew the spot.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was seconnd youngest,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ive learnt so much.
What did i know ?
I was scared of men, in general
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I think the readers, may guess!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
All the time i was locked up.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I write beautiful poetry .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One cannot live in the past .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..